It’s taken a while to convince myself it is okay to say that. Why? There is a certain stigma around it… It feels like I am the plague. Not that I have it… but that I am it. People want to avoid me…
Ooo you didn’t follow the “rules.” Oooo you’re dirty. You aren’t clean. You don’t know how to wash your hands.
Really, whatever else someone might say. There are a lot of things out there too. But I’m here to tell you… I’m personally on the verge of being a germ-a-phobe. I’m not quite one but I might as well be… My hands are so dried out from washing them sooooo much. I carry hand sanitizer in my truck, in the pocket of my pants, always.
The mask you ask… what is my stance. I think it’s stupid. BUT before you yell at me, I wear it. I don’t want to… but I do. I get pissed off every time I have to put the damn thing on. I have it in my back pocket at all times. I spray it down with hand sanitizer every time I take it off because, Hello… I don’t want all those germs up against my face all the time. Think about it… you go to a bathroom, especially a public bathroom, a toilet flushes… particles fly as they say. You breathe in and it gets on your mask and bam… you’re walking around with other people’s shit on your face. Congratulations whoever thought masks were a good thing. I hate public bathrooms in the first place. Then that thought makes me want to gag.
Through the 7 stages of grief… I bounce around as many people do.
- Upward turn
What started all of this? Well… here’s the thing… there’s been a lot of information out there that if you get this disease unless you are older or have an underlying condition, you’ll be uncomfortable for x-amount of time and move on. The survival rate is actually about 99%. Fear-mongering has caused people to really be rude about it. That’s why a lot of people seem to “blow it off.”
This has been quite the year that’s for sure… And people have been interesting. I’m very tired/upset about people being so rude… you are self-centered because you won’t wear a mask for me. Oh, you think this isn’t a real disease, you’re rude. Or best yet was the lady who yelled at another lady in front of her children because they didn’t want to wear a mask, I hope you and your children die. No, I’m not making this up, I wish I was.
This whole, we’re in it together thing is almost a load of crap. The thought you are to wear a mask to keep others safe, oh and of course yourself… is very selfish, especially if you yell at a woman and her children that you hope they die from this. The last time I checked, we’re adults. We’ve been trained to “think for ourselves,” and do what we feel is best for us. When did we decide that everyone is stupid and doesn’t know how to make an educated decision?
Now, just a few weeks ago I was in the Kansas City area. One of the big things that we’ve supposedly learned from this pandemic is “how to wash our hands.” Because apparently, we as a society didn’t know this already. So my little had to go to the bathroom. We went into the public bathroom (Ewwww). One thing I learned earlier in life was that if you are in a public bathroom… a person who might not have washed their hands if they’d been in there alone, is more likely to wash their hands in the presence of another person. I almost laughed so hard because supposedly we’ve learned that washing our hands is necessary now… yet a woman who was older than me, didn’t wash her hands when she left the bathroom. That right there makes me gag. That’s so gross… but whatever.
Back to Shock and Denial
How do I know Covid hit my house? When this disease first came out and we were all scared because of the media hype of how terrible it was… What were we to do? Since then, information changes daily and sometimes almost hourly.
Hubby has jokingly said, let’s go ahead and get it and get it out of the way. Yes, he’s been joking. There have been times that it almost sounded like the way to do it so you could move on with life… but it really was a joke.
Then a few weeks ago hubby started feeling bad. Weirdly bad. So he finally decided he was going to go and get tested. He decided if he had it, he didn’t want to give it to the little and me. Truthfully, we didn’t think he had it. He took one of the rapid test results… 15 minutes. If you have it, you get test results even faster. The doctor said, you either have it or a cold. We’ll see. Hubby jumped on his phone to try and drown out his thoughts so he’s not sure how long the doctor was gone, but he’s guessing around 7 minutes. Positive. Damn.
So he immediately moved into our camper to try and help the little and me avoid getting it. His boss had it back in March. Back when it really was scary because all we heard was people are dying. We thought then, shit… his boss has it, now what? His boss didn’t move out of his house, he and his wife just stayed a bit further away and wiped down surfaces a little more. His wife never caught it. So even though we were around each other, there was hope that the little and I wouldn’t get it.
No such luck. Have I tested… Heck no. I don’t want to add to those numbers. I’m already in quarantine. With a positive test result, you quarantine for 10 days. To get fully released from those 10 days you have to be fever-free for 24 hours. If you’ve been exposed, you’re in quarantine for 14 days. By the time my symptoms showed up, my 10 days would have been up at the same time as my 14 days. I think it would have ended 1 day earlier. What’s one day? And the little one was still at 14 days so… whatever.
The only symptom she’s had is a low-grade fever for a couple of days. Thank God!!
I’ve thought about trying out most of the symptoms. It’s been real and it’s been fun, but it’s definitely NOT real fun.
First I wanted to deny that hubby had it. Surely it was a false positive, which does happen, but it wasn’t. Then guilt hit. Crap did I not clean the house well enough… Maybe I should have cleaned it 14 times instead of just 13 that day. I told you… almost germ-a-phobe… but not quite.
The little has a tumbling competition we have to miss because we now have to quarantine and I have to tell her. She did nothing but talk about it for 2 days straight. Crap. Now we have to tell people. What are they going to think? I swear I clean my house, my hands, my everything. See above.
Guilt is real people.
I really never bargained… but anger… oh yeah I’m pissed. I spent 2-3 days just straight up, flat out mad. Mad that I’m stuck in my house for 2 weeks at least. Mad that we got this damn disease. Mad that I did my part and wore the damn mask that I f*cking hate and yet I still got it and I went on a whole tangent about that. I’m sorry but masks are not cute or fashion-forward. I hate them. People look stupid in them. I want to see your face. I want to see your smile. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it.
I’ve spent a lot of time being mad. Hubby keeps asking me if that makes me feel better. NO, it doesn’t. But it hasn’t stopped the fact I’ve been mad.
Depression rates are up. People are social. Even if you are an introvert like I kind of really am… you need that human interaction. I am told I’m the most outgoing introvert people meet. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I can be the life of the party but I can also hide in the corner and not be seen. I do spend a lot of time at home, by myself. But… I like to see people. I like to talk. Once upon a time, I worked at the same company as my dad. People supposedly asked him if I was holed up in a closet at home because when I got to work I wouldn’t shut up. Again, I wasn’t holed in a closet and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not… that is the whole asking why I don’t shut up.
Nope, not abused. Never have been. Prefer not to be. Just didn’t want that last line to be seen as a confession because no confession there except I like to talk apparently.
My little and I have spent a lot of time together. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been all rainbows and kittens. I wish it was. She is an extrovert. This is hard on her. Not only that, but she’s little and they need that human interaction. Her teacher said that 3 kids in the class are currently in quarantine. We’ve danced. We’ve done school work. Heck, we even started decorating our house for Christmas… because while some people frown upon that… it makes us happy and that’s what matters. Being happy.
Now, my older daughter, her step-dad tested positive the same day hubby did. His reason for testing was because he couldn’t smell Pine-Sol. When they say you lose smell… YOU. LOSE. SMELL. This is nothing like losing smell with a cold… you can still usually get a whiff of strong smells then. There is absolutely NO smell. How do I know that? Remember, I thought it would be fun to try out some of the different symptoms.
I had smell one minute and the next it was gone. I showered and my shampoo is tea tree. A fairly strong, recognizable smell. I smelled it. Then, about 20 minutes later when I went to bed, I couldn’t smell Vick’s. At. All. Vick’s is also a strong smell. So is Ivermectin (cattle dewormer). Nothing. I can’t tell you if the milk has gone bad or the chicken or the pork chops. I burned bacon and didn’t have a clue.
So I keep putting a fun spin on this… I keep saying, well if you have to fart, I wouldn’t know. In fact, the dog did. My Basset has rank farts. I got nothing. How did I know she farted? The little told me.
We’ve started decorating our house to make us feel better. I really want my big tree up, but I do that with my older around. She’s in quarantine too. Here’s hoping we get it up before Christmas!
I have nothing here. Maybe I’m going through the 6 stages of Grief instead of the 7.
I’m still scared of this disease. It has a 99% survival rate. That doesn’t mean I’m not scared of it. There are those instances where you think you’re over it and it comes back because it says, haha, just kidding. There are those instances where you have an underlying condition you didn’t know about. A friend of mine is now experiencing that. New changing information comes out daily… sometimes hourly.
But life is not promised. God could decide to call me back any minute and Covid wouldn’t be involved. So, I strive to not live in fear. Don’t get me wrong, I still do… But I still see my parents (except while I’m in quarantine). I still see my grandma (again, except for right now). I see my aunt and uncles, I see my friends. I do it safely, but I still give hugs. Life happens with or without you. I don’t hold it against someone if they aren’t comfortable seeing me. I give them that option. I respect their opinion. But I’m totally for seeing them because… even if you put your life on hold for Covid-19, life doesn’t put itself on hold. We all age. We all go on about our business. Life happens.
I still plan on celebrating Thanksgiving with my family. I will be out of quarantine and should hopefully be over this by then. If not, I’ll have the common sense, to decline. To stay home and not make others sick… but if I’m willing and able and won’t make others sick, I’m going to be present. Christmas is still going to happen at my house. If I’m not well by then, we’ll celebrate in January. I’ll leave my Christmas decorations up until then.
My family is old. I hate saying that… but it’s true. I have one cousin my age, but we’re basically estranged. My closest relative to my age is 20 years older than me. Everyone else is older than that. That’s my side of the family, not my hubby’s. But we’re not super close with hubby’s although we try. Even though they blame me for us not being close with them. It’s a whole different story.
I plan on staying informed. I plan on still washing my hands, my truck, my house, whatever needs to be done so that I can still feel safe being around my family. Family is everything. And I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring for any of us. I know I can celebrate life with my family.
And while it is very hard for me to say, I have covid-19… I do. Will I survive… I hope so. Will an underlying condition come out? I don’t know. But even if I had a cold or the flu, something could happen. But… I really want my smell back. I might bargain for that one.