Rock Bottom

I remember being a kid and thinking that being an adult was easy. I just wanted to grow up. There wouldn’t be any spelling tests. No school. No one would tell me when to go to bed or when to wake up. Life was going to be easy, right? And yes, no spelling tests was a big deal. I remember smarting off to my dad that, “Why did I need to learn how to spell? It’s not like I would write a letter to the President of the United States or anything.” So note: I did have to write the president when I was in school. Touché.

Man, why didn’t anyone tell us (us as in every kid who ever thought that) that adulting is hard? Our parents made it look so darn easy. Is that part of the problem? Nah, I won’t blame that. Heck, I’ll say it… Adulting sucks. Maybe I want to go back to school. Not college because that still involves adulting. I’m talking grade school, junior high, and maybe even high school. Although, they have problems of their own. A lot of those kids are worried about going to school on a daily basis. Gosh.

In my 20’s I was very arrogant. I’m pretty sure I knew it then. I definitely know it now. And I’m pretty sure I’m paying for that now. For years I have complained that I apparently “love” eating crow. Must be the taste. I have eaten crow a lot. What does that mean? Well, it means that I would swear I wouldn’t do something and then later it happens. I swore I wouldn’t marry a man who had been married. Check. I swore I wouldn’t marry a man who had a kid. Check. I swore a wouldn’t drive a Mustang that was the body style that came out in 2000. Check. Check, check, check. Maybe this post should have been called brain dump. The dumping of all my shortcomings. I don’t really know. Just when I think things are starting to get better and maybe even looking up, I get a slap in the face to bring me back to reality.

I’ve read a lot of posts that are on how God won’t give you more than you can handle. For years I would agree. I still do. But then I read a post that got me to thinking… It said that God will give you more than you can handle. Explain… Well, she said that he wants you to rely on him. He’ll give you more so that you will rely on him. There was a lot more to it but that was the takeaway message. Something to ponder, right?

There are days I think I’m at my breaking point. There is another thing I’ve read that said if everyone threw all their problems into a hat, would you take your problems back? I’m pretty sure I would. I know they are minuscule for what other people deal with, but they hit me hard. I hate failing. These days I feel like a total failure. I have so many hopes and dreams.

  • Write a cookbook… but most people seem to not read them these days.
  • Write a book book… again… it seems like less and less people read.
  • Have a successful blog. I may have been on my way to that once upon a time, but not anymore.
  • Be present in my daughter’s life. I may have that going for me. I don’t want to miss a thing. This may be my only chance.
  • The list goes on and on and on and… well you get the picture

My whole life I have had a list of things I needed to accomplish. Primarily it was to benefit me. The list includes but not limited to:

  • Doctor
  • Lawyer
  • Teacher
  • Clothing designer
  • Waitress
  • Chef
  • Writer

Why would I want to achieve all of that? Lots of reasons… do you have a few hours? I have been a waitress. At least I accomplished that. Why would that be on the list? Because there are so many times I’ve been to a restaurant and totally been ignored. I keep telling people that you need to be a waitress at least once in your life. You learn a lot from it.

A doctor… Because there are medical conditions I would like to understand and be able to help people with.

Lawyer… Come on… people are sue happy these days. Is that the right sue? Hmmm… the writer in me isn’t sure… hello Google. Yes, it is the correct word. It is also a name… maybe even for a boy.

Clothing designer. Well, that’s obvious to me but maybe not everyone else, especially if you see my “style.” The reason behind that though is because my whole life I have had a problem finding jeans that fit. Or even dress pants when I had to wear them. It seemed like to get pants that fit my waist they were too short. To make them long enough, they would be too big in the waist. It’s a very frustrating thing!

The list is actually longer than that, but those are the ones that came to my head right this minute. This minute of self-wallow. Self-pity. Feeling sorry for myself. I really want to know though, what have I done right so far? I married my best friend. I’m attempting to be the best stepmother I can be. Obviously, if you watch shows… step-dads are the best and step-moms are always defined to be a total witch. I’m attempting to be the best mom I can. But from there, I feel like I fail. I might just be poking and prodding to hope someone can tell me something else. Shame on me.

So this is a Debbie Downer post. I’m sorry. Tomorrow I’ll try to be upbeat. It might even be about my hair. Oooooooo I bet you can’t wait, huh? Truthfully, my hair might even fail. And I think at one point hairdresser was on my list of things to be. Although truth be told, I suck at doing hair. Just FYI.

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