***Please don’t judge me… I’m just nervous!***
So here we are, it’s 10:54 at night and I have to type this up. Not always does our life go as we planned. Not always do we see the good in all circumstances. In fact, I have no idea when this will post at this point because I have no idea when hubby and I are going to announce to the world that we’re expecting (heck even typing that freaks me out) but along with all the good in our life comes the bad and sometimes we also just want to remember times like this. So this may just be for me, but please share with me.
Last night I took the pregnancy test that came back positive. When I walked out of the bathroom with it in my hand I just showed hubby. He jumped up off of the love seat throwing his food to the side and bear hugged me. Not the best move as I was kind of nauseous feeling anyway, but the thought that the test came back positive made me sick as all get out to my stomach. To say I didn’t react as a normal happy person would is a bit of an understatement.
I went to school today and we’re studying Othello by Shakespeare. All I could think about was, is my sweatshirt hiding my bloated stomach. I know, not what most people would be thinking but I kind of feel that 16 year old in me coming out. No, I never was pregnant at 16 just to clarify.
Most days I see myself as a first time around, traditional college student. Sadly I see myself in life where most people of that age would find themselves instead of someone who just turned 30 this summer. That right there is enough to scare me out of my mind.
So anyway after school I usually go hang out in the library, read blogs, study, etc for a bit and then I go home. Well I wasn’t feeling all that well so I just decided to go ahead and come home. Poor HickChickBritt, I was bugging the crap out of her today. I just seriously needed someone to talk to because it helped keep my mind off what was going on. Sorry I couldn’t tell you at the time HickChickBritt!!
When I got home, I took a long hot shower and kind of halfway napped through watching The Chew and a whole bunch of other useless crap on tv. I really needed a nap but really couldn’t get comfortable to go to sleep. I put on stretchy pants and a long sleeved shirt and covered up with a blanket and that’s how hubby found me 4 hours later.
In the mean time, Tbug’s mom was talking about Christmas plans which sadly was bugging me because it’s barely the middle of October and I have other things on my mind. I may have even been a bit snippy but didn’t mean to so I tried to clarify nicely after I thought I was being snippy.
When hubby got home I went in our bedroom and started putting clothes away while he made dinner. I really wasn’t in the best of moods. Definitely NOT how normal pregnant people would be at this point. Especially someone who wants a kid. I may come off bad here by saying this but it scares me to bring a kid into this. Partially talking about the economy and the other half, where he/she has to deal with a halftime sibling. I’m just scared. And don’t get me wrong, I totally LOVE Tbug… but we have to plan and work around her schedule.
After we ate dinner and watched some tv, all hell broke loose basically. We decided to go sit in the hot tub. Usually that’s a good place for us but not tonight. Hubby is extremely excited about this kid. He wanted(s) a baby between us and me, well I want one but at the same time I’m scared because I don’t want my kid to feel like they are suffering because of everything. I grew up in a home where my parents are still married to this day after 30 some odd years. My friends that I hung out with all the time, their parents are the same way. So this concept of splitting time between 2 families is all new to me to begin with. And obviously this kid won’t be splitting their time, but what if Tbug feels left out?
So I’m not sure my thoughts are coming out totally rational right now, they’re coming out as they’re coming to me.
So hubby and I were in the hot tub and things just went from bad to worse. What do I have to complain about? There are a lot of people out there who would love to have a kid and can’t and then there’s me who is freaking out. I feel like that 16 year old who is scared to death to tell her parents that she’s pregnant even though right now I’m 30 and I’m married so it wasn’t even an accident. Does that make sense?
Basically long story short, I’m taking away my husbands pride and excitedness because I’m scared out of my friggin mind. So now that I come off as extremely shallow and I realize it’s 11:10 and my bed is doing something funny under my butt, I should probably sign off, quit complaining, Thank God that He has graced us with a kid and go on about my business.
As Tammy Jo mentioned today in her post (I read it today, she wrote it….) – God doesn’t always give you what you want. He gives you what you need. Thank you very much for that reminder!