Something to Share

I’ve debated for a while now on sharing this or not. I was actually blogging when it happened and I chose to not make a big deal out of it and still truthfully I’m not but since the fiance and I were discussing it yesterday I thought I might share.

My fiance proposed to me on February 12th of this year. It was funny because we already started making the bigger decisions that day and the weekend (the 12th was a Friday). We had it narrowed down to my grandma’s church (which I am a member of) and his dad’s church (which he was a member of). When it came down to it, my church was the prettier of the two and it is the larger of the two so we wanted my church.

I’ve never been married, never talked to my friends who have gotten married on how you proceed to book a church/minister, etc. Once we decided on the church I called my grandma, who is very involved in the church, and just asked her if she happened to be in the church this next week, ask them what we need to do to proceed in reserving the church for our wedding date. That way we could get all our I’s dotted and T’s crossed. She told me she was going into the church the next day (Tuesday) to be exact so she’d go talk to the secretaries to find out what we should do. Awesome! :). Now I wasn’t asking her to do any of the work, I just wanted to know where to start.

She came home that night and left a piece of paper and a book in my mailbox for us. She then called and said she talked to one of the secretaries. They looked at the calendar wrote us down for Sept 4, 2010 at 11am (I didn’t specify the time, my grandma did) and we just needed to fill out the paper and read the book. Okay, that works.

So we sat down and started reading the book when we ran across a section that talked about Holiday weekends. It stated that you were not allowed to have a wedding in the church on a Holiday or a Holiday weekend and then it listed out: New Years Eve/Day, Christmas Eve/Day, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, oh and wait, Labor Day. Well crap, we chose the Saturday of Labor Day weekend. But they wrote us down on the calendar so we were extremely confused. I finished filling out the paperwork and then PC said he would take it to the church the next day and while he was there he would ask to make sure.

When he got there the next day the minister was out for the morning so PC gave the secretaries the paperwork and pointed out the fact the book said what it did. The secretary looked at him and said, “Oh well I’ve never read the book. I guess the minister will have to get back to you about that.”

When I found that out I thought that odd. A lady scheduling the church should know these things but okay…. So we waited for the phone call from the minister. (this was Wednesday, I’ll help you out with a timeline :))

As of Monday we still hadn’t heard back from the church so PC called asking for the minister who was out at the moment. PC said we needed to talk to him and explained again what was going on. Okay he would call PC.

On Tuesday the minister calls PC, chews him out for being so rude to his secretaries and tells him that rules are in place for a reason and we are not going to be ones to break the rules. We aren’t allowed to have the wedding at the church. PC tried to explain that we saw that and that’s why we were calling but the minister cut him off, told him that things were done incorrectly, that we should have contacted him first before ever reserving the church and just went off on PC. PC thanked him and immediately hung up the phone before he went off on the preacher.

Called me but I was in a meeting at work so he called my mom who was working in North Carolina for that week. My mom told him to call my grandma and get her involved. He wasn’t real sure he liked that idea. In the mean time I get back to my desk from the meeting to many missed calls, voicemail, and messages on Google Talk to call him so I’m worried. I called him and asked him what was up and he proceeded to tell me what happened.

I was floored. My grandma has nothing but good things to say about this minister and for as much work as she and both my great aunts do for him I just was completely shocked. I knew there was a misunderstanding there some where, I wasn’t completely sure where but I was going to get to the bottom of it. PC told me not to but I said, No honey he if nothing else owes you an apology.

I grabbed the phone book and proceeded to call the church and got one of the secretaries. I told her I needed to speak to the minister. She said he was out getting his hair cut would I like his voicemail. I told her no I needed to speak to him now. She said well he isn’t here. I said okay well here’s the problem I have and I told her a brief overview and told her I needed to speak to the minister NOW. She said she wasn’t the one that PC spoke with and that the minister wasn’t there but she’d take down my name and phone number and have him call me the minute he walked back in the door. I gave her my cell number and said please do and let him know I want to talk to him NOW.

Now if you knew me, I’m a non-confrontational person. I HATE confrontation. I wish there was a word worse than hate because that describes my feel for confrontation. I’ll sometimes suck it up sometimes to avoid confrontation. That being said I was upset. I knew there was something wrong and I was going to get to the bottom of it.

I really didn’t want to get my grandma involved but by this point I was upset, especially since she raves about this minister so I called my great aunt’s house, where my grandma spends a lot of her days. Aunt Ellen told me that she was at the church. I knew that’s where I needed to head so I went to lunch early, jumped in my car and took off for the church. On my way there the minister called me.

I told him my full name and who I was (pulled grandma’s name out) and told him I was extremely disappointed with him. I told him that he spoke very rudely to my fiance and I was getting to the bottom of this to see what really happened because my grandma does nothing but talk nice things about him but I truthfully wasn’t seeing it right now. In fact I was so upset with the way things were handled that I wasn’t afraid to tell my grandma what I thought of him.

I started to tell him how we got into this whole mess and he went to cut me off which was just fuel for my fire. I stopped him in his tracks and told him he wouldn’t give my fiance the time of day to explain our side of the whole situation so by golly he was going to listen to me. He told me to proceed so I started from the beginning of the whole mess from our side of the story. Once I was finished he proceeded to harp on me a little bit. I went to cut him off and he said, I listened to you now it is your turn to listen to me. He proceeded to tell me about how “rude” my fiance was to his secretary and he wasn’t about to allow anyone to treat his secretaries that way. Once he was finished I said, were you there? Did you hear how he spoke to your secretary. Of course he said no. I said, okay so you took her word, didn’t find out anyone else’s side of the story and just proceeded to jump my fiance. How does that really look on your part? I said I heard his side and now you can see that I’m on the phone with you trying to figure out what happened, did you do that? No you cut him off and then tried to cut me off. Then he proceeded to call me Young Lady. Oh I hate that, that’s what my dad did when I was younger and in trouble. It upset me because he’s not my father, he’s a preacher, a minister, not MY father. Only MY father can get by with that and that’s because well what can I say to him… LOL.

Now I was driving into the church this whole time. I would say the church is 6-10 miles from work depending on which route you take and I’m not sure one is faster than the other.

Other questions that got asked and statements that were said, and no I’m not completely happy with everything I said but I never once cussed :). Go me! But he asked me how many times I had been to the church since he’d been a minister there. I was like, here lately quite a few. He said well I’ve never seen you. I said that’s because I sit in the back with my great Aunt Ellen and Floyd. I also told him I have been a member of this church longer than he’d even thought about being a preacher here. I also told him if nothing else, rules were there for a reason and I understand that but he owed my fiance an apology and by golly he was going to give him one. I also started in by saying if you are a preacher then you preach every Sunday and he tried to cut me off by saying we aren’t going there, and I said oh yes we are going there, you are a preacher and preach every Sunday that we are to do right by everyone and not judge anyone but you sure did judge my fiance by a hear say version of what happened and didn’t get both sides. I said I know my fiance and that doesn’t sound like him.

By this time I’m sitting in front of the church, just sitting in my car talking on the phone to him. He made the comment, I hate talking on the phone, I’d much rather talk in person. I said great I’m sitting outside, would you like me to cross the street and come talk to you in person? He said you are where. I said in the parking lot across the street from the Fellowship hall entrance and I’d be more than happy to come in and speak with him. He proceeds to tell me that’s fine and to bring my grandmother in with me. I told him she didn’t need to be involved in this, it was between the fiance, him and me but he insisted. I told him I wasn’t getting her and he said that he would. So about the time I get in fellowship hall he gets my grandma out of the kitchen and I follow them to the office. My grandma had no idea what was going on or even that I was behind her until we got to the office. When we went into the office and sat down he told me to tell my grandma everything he and I had discussed on the phone.

I sighed, apologized to my grandmother that she was being brought into this and proceeded on with the story again.

By this time my nerves were shot, I was so upset I was shaking and started crying, it was a bad deal but I never backed down. He owed my fiance an apology if nothing else for the way he treated him. Again I reiterated the fact that rules are there for a reason but by golly he owed my fiance an apology for judging him based off another person’s view point and not seeing both sides. I said I could leave here upset because that’s how I am right now, I could tell the next 5 people I see how rude and inconsiderate you are, do I believe that, no, I’m mad… but they wouldn’t know any different unless they knew you so they could believe it. You took your secretaries position over my fiance’s and we’ve been trying to get ahold of you since last Wednesday. He said well they didn’t tell me that. I said well I’m here to tell you that paper was brought in on Wednesday and we were told you would give us a call. We’ve been making all the moves until today.

Eventually he looked at me and said that he was impressed by me. I never backed down and I stood my ground backing up my fiance. He also said that he was the minister of the church, I called him out when he didn’t act rightly and that being the minister he could break the rules that were set. He granted us permission to get married at the church on Labor Day weekend, but being a holiday weekend we’d have to pay the custodian more money than a normal weekend wedding. but I agreed. He also agreed to call my fiance and apologize to him. That’s truthfully all I wanted out of all of this. I believed he deserved that.

Then all the sudden he looked and said I need to apologize to you both. I looked at my grandma with a huh? look because I thought everything was cool. He proceeded to tell me that he thought I was my cousin. The cousin who got married in 2004, the cousin who became a bridezilla, the cousin who disowned her mother. He said that his wife and my aunt had become extremely good friends during her divorce and they “knew” (again one sided story) of all that happened and he thought I was my cousin.

I called my grandmother that night because I was embarrassed that she got brought into all of this. I was hurt for her too. My grandparents and my whole side of the family were also disowned when this all happened but my cousin is still my grandmother’s granddaughter. My grandmother was hurt to think even my cousin would have been treated that way. All I could do was apologize to my grandma and she kept telling me no apology was needed on my part. She was just glad I did the right thing and stood up for my fiance and what I believed. I told her that PC was scared that she was upset with him, I was scared she was upset with me but she told us both not to worry about it, she was sort of upset with the minister and had he not apologized to PC (which he did) that she would have quit helping at the church. She couldn’t believe what happened did. I told her I’m okay with rules and I understand but what upset me was the fact he wouldn’t listen to our side. Just sided with her and went on.

We got it all worked out and this is the minister that is marrying us. One thing he has done is compliment us every time we’ve been in there. The skeptical side wonders if it wasn’t because of what happened, but I truthfully believe that has all been forgotten and not swaying how he treats us because he treats us even different than he did when this all happened.

We also made it a point to go to church that next Sunday and went through the hand shaking line before leaving to prove we actually did come. Usually we just bi-passed that line.

Life throws lots of curve balls, all I have to say is you have to work together and not against each other. A question that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately is every time you turn around a new person getting engaged is So Happy and Marrying their Best Friend and The Guy they want to be with the Rest of their Life… if that’s the case, why is the divorce rate so high?

I already let PC know that divorce wasn’t an option for us 🙂 I’m not changing my identity more than once. Doing it this first time will be pain in the butt enough!

I’m sorry this was so long and if you made it through, Good for you. The next post will have lots of pretty pictures, Promise! 🙂

Peace, Love, and Making Mistakes

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0 thoughts on “Something to Share

  1. Wow! That was a mess. You're a better woman than I. I'd have held a grudge and still been pouting. I'm sure this will work out fine. It's things like this that make eloping sound so good…

  2. WHO pC is lucky! You're a great wife! Way to stand up for yourself. Its easy for people in that postition to abuse their “power”! Priest/pastors are still human! They make mistakes! Sometimes someone has to call them out on it! I am glad you did! 🙂 YOU GO GIRL!

  3. aww I am so proud of you. It is shocking that the minister acted that way but i suppose we all have our bad days. I can tell that you two really love each other and I know that you will have such a long beautiful and happy marriage. I am really impressed with how you stood up for yourself and your fiance. I too hate confrontation so I know how hard it must have been!

  4. Wow, that is kinda crazy! You were right to stand by PC. I'm glad the minister also saw the error of his ways. We actually went through quite the process in attending church again and finding one for our wedding. It all worked beautifully in the end.

    p.s. I love that you're getting a charm bracelet of your lives together!

  5. W-O-W! I am sooooo speechless. I would never have stayed so cool, but then I fired the minister the week before our wedding. We did get married as planned, well except different minister (same church), in fact all this was 23 years ago this week… in hindsight… we should have eloped. LONG STORY.

    P.S. Way to stand up for PC!

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