Crossroads In My Life

I swear I have hit a crossroad in my life.
In just over a month I’ll be my last year of my twenties.
That’s very surreal!
And almost terrifying!
I feel like I just graduated college (the first time).
I feel like I don’t fit in with the younger 20’s crowd.

I’ve never been a “party” girl.
I’ve been drunk 1 time in my life and it sucked!
I’ll never do it again!
I’ve been tipsy less than a handful of times.
Definitely not worth it.
Actually going to parties (when I actually did), I was the Designated Driver.
I could actually go to a party and not drink.
And no that’s not to say the younger 20’s crowd parties indefinitely.
Just saying.

I may be a step-mother, but I don’t feel like a mother.
My {step}daughter is only with us every other weekend.
I kind of feel like an aunt.
She calls me mom though.
But.
I didn’t carry her to full term.
I wasn’t there when she was born.
I wasn’t there for the first smile
The first step.
The first word.
The first day of school.
I didn’t come into her life until she was 6 1/2.
I was there after that.
She’s now 9.

I don’t feel like I get to brag about my kid like other people do.
She is mine.
Ask her.
She’ll tell you.
She claims me.
In fact a few weeks ago she was with us a few days longer.
I said to her something about going home (meaning her mom’s).
She looked at me and said, This IS my home.
I still feel like people judge me for being a step-mom.

I’m not into my career, at least I hope.
I have work “friends”.
We don’t go and do things on the weekend.
We don’t hang out.
In fact I’m a good 10-20 years younger than some of my friends.
A lot of them have kids my age.
I sometimes think they look at me like a kid.
Maybe I am.
But I don’t feel like one.

I was older when I got married.
I was 27.
I doubt I could have gotten married any younger.
I wasn’t mature enough.
Ok maybe that’s not totally true.
But right out of high school, definitely not.
Couple years into college, still not.
Right out of college, maybe, but it would have been rocky.
When I got married, It was still rocky, but there was some solid ground to stand on as well.
Even if just a teeny, tiny bit.

I feel like I’m about 24 or 25.
My body thinks I’m 80.
I’ve been told I act like a 50ish year old.
Sometimes.
Other times I could so be 16.
I think we’re all that way at times though.

I don’t know where I’ll go next.
I don’t know what life is going to throw at me.
I’m scared.
I know I should be.
I am though.
I do have God on my side.
He looks out for me.
Sometimes I don’t understand his ways.
Oddly enough he see’s the big picture I can’t.
You can’t.
None of us can.
But He can.

So I guess I’ll continue on.
Please someone invite me into your group though!
I feel like a loner sometimes.
I’m nice.
I promise.
I’ll take you horse back riding!
And if all else fails, I cook ;).

Snookums – She’s really grown since last year!