Our Snow Apocalypse

All of you transplants that are new to Missouri are about to experience a “Missouri Winter ”. This is 6 or 7 days of cold , maybe some ice and snow with single-digit temperatures and with a wind chill, it will be well below zero. The weatherman will threaten snow . Know that it may snow , and it may not and if the weatherman says 2 inches then it could be 10 or it could be 1/2”. It doesn’t really matter how much snow it is, we’ll all freak out because we don’t see snow often.

 

The threat of snow (or ice ) from the weatherman is your prompt to head to the grocery store and buy milk , eggs , and bread . It doesn’t matter if you need these items. It’s just what we do. Everyone in town will be there.

 

You’ll also need to make a mad dash for faucet covers and finding them and getting out of the store will be like an episode of the hunger games. You’re in the redneck district.

 

Don’t look for a sled . You won’t find one. In the rare chance, we get enough ice or snow to sled grab some cardboard or a trash can lid, and go find the nearest hill. You may become alarmed by the fact that you’re “sledding” towards a ditch, fence, tree , or maybe into a road. Just go with it. You’ll be fine.

 

The roads will be a mess and even though the state has been telling you for a week they’re ready, they’re not and it won’t work. Just stay home if you can and if you can’t just come to terms with the fact that nobody here knows how to drive in snow and ice .

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT talk about snow tires.

 

If you happen to slide off the road or get stuck, turn your flashers on, take a deep breath and wait. Two guys in a four-wheel drive truck will be along in no time to offer assistance. Don’t try to help them, they live for this stuff, and will do what they can to get you back on the road. If either one of them screams “hey y’all watch this” just get back and get your phone out and start recording, you’ll probably have a viral video. Also of note, when they offer you beer and deer sticks, don’t be rude, take them and smile .

 

No matter what you do, don’t talk about how they did it back home in any of these scenarios. Nobody cares. You live in Missouri now, Missourians know they live in the greatest state in the country and it’s our way or the highway.

 

When we act like we’re going to die and start to complain about the 7 days of winter just shut up, we’re serious and we don’t care how much you love it. We don’t.

You’ll be back in shorts and flip-flops in a week to ten days and it’ll be nice until right around Easter.

 

Missouri’s “second winter “will be 2 or 3 days and will hit right around Easter, usually the week before or the week after. This will hit right around the time you plant flowers and a garden. We know you’re not from around here when we see you’ve planted flowers before Easter and before the “second winter ” has hit.

 

This is why all the people at the nursery don’t sound like us when you’re shopping for plants. We know better.

 

During second winter it’ll go from 70 to 25 and you’ll experience all four seasons in one day. This too shall pass, get used to it and when second winter is over you can enjoy the 3-4 weeks of “spring” before summer gets here and it’ll be melt your face off hot until sometime around Halloween .