Holiday Eating Tips

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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.  it’s rare.  You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a great holiday season!


0 thoughts on “Holiday Eating Tips

  1. Waahahahahhahaaa! I love this and yes that's pretty much how I live…….sadly, my hips are as wide as a barn, but that's neither here nor there! Did you write this? It's too too cute!

  2. jeanette, honey, run directly to the dairy section of your local grocery and get a quart. You can't die never having had egg nog. I'd advise “cuttin” it with milk–2 parts nog, one part milk–especially for your first try. It's kind of thick if you're a virgin especially if you're not adding rum. (which is delicious with egg nog if you drink–even if you don't;)
    Nicole: these tips are priceless. I love the last disclaimer about sliding into the grave with a worn out body. That's precisely what I intend to do. Old age is vastly over-rated. (I've witnessed both of my parents who didn't drink or smoke. They still got old and sick from just plain passage of time. Not for me!)
    Party on. But I Do love mince pie and fruit cake. What kind of glutton are you if you don't like fruit cake wrapped in rum soaked cheese cloth?

    I need to print this off and hang it on the fridge. Then, somehow adjust it to Valentine's Day, President's Day, Easter………………


  4. Great tips Nicole, I strongly agree with them – afterall isn't that what New Years Resolutions are for?? Almost every female will put something on their list about losing weight and they think of this over the holidays, but the famous last words are AFTER the HOLIDAYS!!

  5. im with you on the egg nog.

    last week i made my yearly trip to the liquor store, bought 5 bottles, and i treat myself every night in front of the tree sipping a nice glass of nog… love it! 🙂

  6. I have a gallon of egg nog in my fridge… I have to admit though…. don't shoot me… or send me to the corner… it's “light” egg nog… It's the only kind I can get without high fructose corn syrup. 🙁

    You know… I need to get the rum out. I sure need it with the remodel taking FLIPPING FOREVER!!! I'm running to the liquor cabinet and fridge now (yep, it's 3:07AM and I'm getting caught up on blog reading, but good time for a drink don't you think?) 😉

    Merry Christmas and drink as much egg nog as you can get into your fridge!

    Stef at

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