One Year Ago… Part 22

After his grandma’s funeral, he had to leave to go back to Kentucky. On Friday he sent me the news that he was going to give his 2 weeks notice and he was moving home. I was super excited but I was worried. We are from SW MO, from a town that is one of the cheapest areas to live in in the country. He made good money working on the Army base… and he was choosing to give that up and move here. Here where he probably wouldn’t make what he did down there, not at least without a college education. My fears set in.

I had even somewhat contemplated on trying to possibly move down there. I wasn’t as worried about me finding a job, even though jobs are hard to come by, facts are facts in this economy, but I have a teaching degree, I have experience waitressing, I have typing skills, etc. Not to say he doesn’t have skills. He was a computer techy, and those jobs come with wanting degrees. I was worried. Then he said the words that made me smile. I’m going to go back to school.

Even those words didn’t completely make me at ease because he still had a daughter to care for but I wasn’t nearly as worried. I can’t tell you what came over me but I wasn’t completely worried about it all, just a slight fear. I just knew we’d have some tough times ahead of us but let’s face it, I was head over heals for this guy, bring it on, we’ll face it together.

Saturday brought on dinner club. I wasn’t about to ask him to come home just to go to dinner with me, that’s a long drive just for dinner. Especially trying to save money so he could move home to me for good.

I had been taking a photography class with my friends Josh & Evelyn. Josh got the great idea, let’s get our friends Chris & Tiffany to pose for us and use this opportunity to practice taking shots in different locations. So Josh came by and picked me up on his way to Springfield and we rode up together. We talked about a lot of things but every time Prince Charming came up Josh instantly changed the subject. In my mind I thought, oh good, it hasn’t worked itself out yet.


One Year Ago… Part 21

My parents, PC and I had plans to go eat dinner tonight at a Cajun restaurant called Bayou. It was her idea. She told PC if he came back Labor Day weekend we’d all go eat there. She proceeded to tell me that because we went to the movies the night before and dinner, my dad had spent way to much money since we didn’t buy anything for ourselves so we weren’t going tonight. I just stared at her speechless. It was her IDEA… but whatever.


Finally I said, we didn’t ask you to buy ours, we were going to.

-Well you didn’t jump up there to do it so we just figured we had to buy yours.

-No, you didn’t give us a chance.

-Well we’ll only go tonight if you pay for your own.

-That’s fine, we never asked for you to pay for ours anyway!


Boy this had me fuming mad. It just hit me funny. First off my parents have never told me anything like this so I was completely taken off guard. And secondly, well there was no secondly because this was a first.


I went upstairs just floored and called PC to tell him, make sure he still wanted to go. Of course I got him all worked up just like I was.


So yeah apparently my mom was back on the not liking him. Who knows. Like I said she’s never done anything like this to me…


Well wouldn’t you know, by the time dinner time came around she “wasn’t feeling good” and didn’t want to go. She didn’t want us going either but my dad went in, changed his clothes looked at PC and me and said, load up, let’s go. We jumped in the truck, more fun than staying there with someone who didn’t want us around, or so it felt.


When the waitress brought the bill after dinner PC went to grab it and my dad beat him to it. They fought over who was going to pay for quite a while and eventually my dad won out. When we got back home PC kept going I would have paid. I was even going to buy your dads. I said I know, I don’t know. I’m not sure if that speech this morning was coming from him or her or them. I don’t know.


One Year Ago…. Part 20

-Good Night. I lo……. and stopped in mid sentence. Oh crap, please tell me he didn’t just hear that. I shut up instantly.
-What did you say?
-No I heard you. You started to say something.
-No I didn’t. I tripped over a dog.
-Are you sure?
-Good bye, drive careful! Let me know when you make it home! If you need to talk later give me a holler.
-OK. Good ByeAnd we hung up the phone.

Oh. My. Gosh. Did I really almost just say that? Surely it was out of habit… right? I mean I haven’t said it to anyone other than my parents and grandparents in a while, but yeah surely that’s what it was. I hope he didn’t hear me. Surely not. I had him believing me anyway, it’s all good…. I think. Then I opened the door and walked in the house.

About 9:45 I gave him a call to see where he was. He said he was about 1 1/2 hrs or so from home. I told him I still wanted him to call me but that I was going to sleep. If I didn’t answer just leave me a message and we hung up.


The next day at work I struck up a conversation with my BOM (Brother of mine as I call him), Kalem. I told him what I almost said. He was shocked. I told him I was too. I told him surely it was just habit. He asked if I ended every phone conversation that way. No, I answered. I haven’t even been tempted.

So yeah that got me to thinking. But they say that guys are very touchy about this type of thing. Don’t say it to fast, don’t be the first to say it, etc. Surely I didn’t feel that way anyway, right? It didn’t help that my work day was rather redundant. I spent the entire day working on the same spread sheet and my eyes were going cross, but it was just cut and paste, cut and paste so it gave my brain lots and lots of time to wander and think.

Well heck, even if I did feel that way, I have to make sure this isn’t a rebound thing. It’s only fair to both of us, so I figured I’d ponder things a while longer and make sure my feelings were real. If they weren’t, well heck it was a mix up and it could happen to anyone right?


One Year Ago… Part 19

I made it home. Told him good night and hung up the phone. The next day was Sunday. It was very un-eventful. He had to head home and make sure he got home at a decent hour. He and his daughter swung by to pick me up on their way for him to take her home. Again the anxiety attack happened… would I see her mother? What would she look like? I actually had to calm my nerves down because her mother was on a cruise. We were actually taking his daughter to stay with her step-dad and little sister. When he pulled up they jumped out and his daughter yelled, “I love you Nicole.” and gave me a hug. I told her that back and instantly my heart was filled with warmth.

Because he had to make it a point to be back to work on time the next morning he told me he was no doubt going to leave early in the afternoon. Especially since he had been away for 2 weeks. I told him I understood completely. We drove back to my house talking and reminiscing on all the fun we’d had the prior 2 weeks. When we got to my house I told him that I would drive over to his house and help him pack up if he needed. He told me that wasn’t necessary but if I wanted to come over I was more than welcome.

He left before I did. I told him I’d be over shortly. I ran in the house to tell my parents I’d be back, grabbed my car keys and headed his direction.

Suddenly sadness hit me. He wasn’t going to be there when I got home from work anymore. In fact I wasn’t going to see him again for a while. The next weekend was Labor day weekend and he contemplated coming home but wasn’t sure if he could or would.

When I got there I helped him pack up his stuff and take it out to his truck. He kept lingering around. I could tell he didn’t want to leave either. I finally told him I was leaving. I knew he’d stay longer if I didn’t and his parents and I neither one wanted him on the road that late. I told him I had to run to town after some things. I didn’t have to but that was my excuse. We both pulled out of the driveway, drove up to 37 hwy, I went left and he went right. I couldn’t help myself, I started to cry.


One Year Ago… Part 18

I heard that sound of the motorcycle go off. I dreaded that sound. I wasn’t sure why that sound was going off. I still had the ex’s number in my cell phone, I still had a certain ringtone set to it so I’d know if it was him trying to call me. It had basically been just shy of 2 months since we’d talked other than I got a text on my birthday saying Happy Birthday. Crap, I’ve been having such a good go at things, I didn’t want to be in a bad mood. It was already late, I didn’t want to get into a fight on the phone. I didn’t want to talk to him really… To answer, not to answer, what do I do??? I finally decided it was 11:30 and I had to get up early. I refused to answer the phone.

Eventually it quit ringing. Well Crap, now I’m going to lie awake wondering what he wanted, right? Wrong, I think I stayed up a couple more minutes to see if he left me a voicemail… if it was important he’d leave me a voicemail or send me a text message, otherwise, it didn’t matter. And I drifted off into dreamland.

I would be lying if I wasn’t kind of curious why he called me, especially so late… he used to know I liked to be in bed and asleep by this time, but for the first time in months it didn’t bother me. I didn’t feel guilty. Had there been a voicemail I would have listened to it but otherwise, I didn’t care. I didn’t feel like I owed him anything. I was told in college after breaking up with a guy after a year and 4 months that how ever long you dated them, it took you that long to get over them. I’m not going to say at this point I was over him but I’d had enough time to step back and examine the relationship we’d had over the years. Was it bad, No, was it great, no. It wasn’t great. And for the first time in a long time I could see that.

Apparently when you get into situations that you even say you wouldn’t allow to happen, if you gradually go in, you gradually become accustomed to them and you don’t know any different. Again, he didn’t treat me terrible so please don’t read that wrong, but things weren’t all that great either. It was easier to see that once you step back and look from a different perspective.

I hadn’t thought about the ex in a while. At first after everything happened, I took pictures of him down in different places but I still had some up. The more I grew closer to this guy from my past the easier it was to take pictures down. I feel those pictures that were up were a constant reminder of how things used to be, even though they weren’t ideal, we are creatures of habit. You get into rituals and habits and it is very difficult to change. The change is the unknown aspect of anything and you don’t always know how to react to it. It is scary, sometimes dangerous, sometimes wonderful, but it’s that unknown that scare people into sometimes not wanting to experience what is in store for them.

I am the first to admit, I hate change. It scares the living daylights out of me. But for the first time I turned that fear over to God (just know I’m not putting my beliefs off on you, this is how I feel), I knew he had a great plan and something wonderful in store.


One Year Ago… Part 17

He came to the house to pick me up on his way to take his daughter home. She ran in the house and spoke to my parents, then I grabbed my shoes and purse and we headed out to take her home. I thought I was going to be sick. I had a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. What if I had to see her mother… what if I didn’t compare, or stand up to, or wasn’t as pretty as, all these wild thoughts went flying through my head. When he took her to the front door, the mother never showed her face, whew! I survived. After she was home we came back to my house and slept all afternoon. We had to recover. She runs 90 to nothing!The next 2 weeks he had vacation so he was home. He had lots of plans made, clean out the shop, rebuild the hot tub, ride horses, you name it, but every night once I got off work he came over to the house to spend time with me. When he first started he’d go out to do chores with my dad and me. Once he learned what we did and how we fed everything, he beat us home during the later part of those 2 weeks and had them done for us.

We were doing P90X so after chores were done he and I would head to Kalem & Evelyn’s house to do the workout. On the 20th was Jason’s birthday so after our workout we all headed to dinner at Cheddars.

The sad part is all through this Josh became more and more non-existent when he was around. I had a feeling all along that Josh liked me more than a friend and I sound so mean by saying, he seemed more like a big brother to me. I wasn’t oblivious to all of this but I hoped it would work itself out. So I went on about my business hoping that things would work out.

On the 22nd of August we had dinner club at a German restaurant out on 43 hwy. When they sent out the email this month, my parents also go an invite. So decided to come as well. He and I headed over in his truck and my parents drove separate. Up to this point after dinner club we’d go to the J’s and play rockband so I told him that if that was the case, we’d need a way home. When we got to Roswitha’s, I could feel some tension around Josh. I spoke to him and he wouldn’t speak back. Oh great, we’re going to have to have the talk, again. I hate the talk. The I like you but for a friend talk. Really it’s heartbreaking. I don’t like to be on either end of that conversation!

After dinner was over, everyone just split. So I looked at him and asked what he’d like to do? He didn’t care so I said, how about Mini Golf?? It was settled we were going to go play mini golf. He also indulged me and stopped at BigLots for me (yes, I love that store). Now here’s something I shouldn’t tell on myself but I always pay for one round and grab 2 balls and 2 score cards so that I can play both courses, easy & hard. I told him to do the same, in fact I think I grabbed 3 balls so that we could and I grabbed both score cards. He gave me the “Are you serious” look and I grinned. Then we went outside and proceeded to play mini golf. I would like to say for the record I won both rounds, but he was a good sport about it and not far behind me!


One Year Ago… Part XVI

All through this I still went to see my friends, A LOT. It’s good to have friends to rely on when things get hairy! We went out to eat at a Thai place every Wednesday night, I went over on weekends that he wasn’t in town, I went other nights of the week even. Actually the month of August we took up doing P90x so I was over there every night of the week. It was very difficult the week of August 8-14th. My parents had gone on vacation to Hawaii so I was left to take care of all of our critters. My dad had 2 horses that had “colds”. It was the best option the vet could come up with anyway. I had to give them shots and take them out and let them relax every night and it was hot that week.

Kalem & Josh came over a couple times as did Evelyn to help me with the horses. They didn’t always want to cooperate with me… The little rascals.

So the Friday before my parents left, my mom looked at me and asked if she was supposed to bring him and his daughter something home from Hawaii. I looked at her with a strange face and told her, she didn’t have to do anything. I never expect anything from her. Later that night she changed her tone and said she’d like to bring them back something, what size did they wear and what should she bring them home. Would he like a Harley Davidson shirt or another shirt or what? I told her I wasn’t sure. I was still really just learning about him myself but if she would like to bring him back something anything she’d bring back would be just fine. She wanted to know sizes so I shot him texts to find out his size and his daughters size. When he replied I told her and she asked me to text it so she’d be sure to have it while she was there.

While they were in Hawaii my mom was calling or texting me with different things they had done or different questions. She told me she found the perfect shirt for him, told me about it and asked if he’d like it. I told her I’m sure he would. She also found something for his daughter. I told her thank you and I’m sure they would be pleased.

He and I continued to talk through our normal portals. He didn’t come home the first weekend my parents were gone. I’ll admit if it weren’t for my friends, I would have been bored out of my mind. It was to hot to go outside except maybe to jump in the swimming pool but the swimming pool hadn’t been opened this year yet so that was out.

I woke up on Saturday morning (the 8th) and wandered into my mom’s sewing room for some reason. Not sure what possessed me to do this but anyway I did. I had made myself a John Deere blanket with the normal green and yellow colors, then I found all the colors for a Pink John Deere blanket. I was standing at my mom’s sewing table and saw all my pink material I had bought and it hit me almost like a freight train, I wanted to make him a John Deere Blanket. I had a few pieces of green and yellow JD material left over from different projects but not nearly enough.

I called my grandma to see what she was up to. She said she was just sitting at the house.

-What are your plans today?

-Well I didn’t have any, why?

-If I ran to town and bought some material, would you be interested in helping me make a blanket?

-of Course. You get the material and we’ll do it.


One Year Ago… XII

That awkward feeling didn’t go away. I kept telling myself, if I don’t go home, I’m never going to get there. All we keep doing is starting up a new conversation. Awe but look at those pretty blue eyes, do I really want to leave them… No Nicole don’t get ahead of yourself. 1 date, it’s not marriage. We were close, in fact he was hugging me because it was chilly out that night/er morning. And then, there it was, he kissed me. It was shocking, it was different, it was nice, so many emotions running through me. I even almost felt like I was cheating on the ex but I wasn’t with him anymore, it’d just been so long since I had kissed anyone other than the ex that it felt weird.

Yeah I think I was on cloud 9 that moment in time. I finally made it into my car and headed home. Before I left he asked me to come over to his mom’s house the next day before he had to go back to Kentucky. I was a little hesitant and told him I’d talk to him in the morning after I woke up. I really wasn’t sure when I’d get up. (yes I was finally sleeping at this point.) He said, well I’ll call you.

I went to pull out the driveway and I called him and told him that he had to talk to me all the way home so that for one I stayed awake and for 2 he knew I made it. And he did. Of course I went back to spastic talking about nothingness because again, I was back to being nervous. There was this great guy that had just kissed me. What was I supposed to do now? I got home, got off the phone, turned out all the lights went upstairs and crashed on my bed about 3:45 am.

The next morning around 10am I woke up to my phone ringing. I really thought that it was my alarm going off and I started grumbling trying to figure out how to shut the stupid thing off. After many attempts it dawned on me that it was the phone ringing and I proceeded to answer it in a groggy I just woke up voice.


One Year Ago… Part X

As per usual, when something you are excited about and looking forward to is coming up, something inevitably always goes wrong. So you must be wondering what went wrong this time… I got a silly summer cold. Yup, you read that right, I got a summer cold the week of dinner club, the week of hanging out with this long lost friend. I’m not one who usually goes to the doctor when I’m sick. I usually just let it run its course and proceed on. I’ll sometimes take over the counter meds just so I’m not completely suffering but I usually just tough it out. Not this time. I didn’t want to cancel. I didn’t want to wait for my next chance to meet up with him. He lived in Kentucky, I mean seriously, how many chances would I get or how often??

So I did what any normal girl would do, I found my old high school year books and looked up his picture. I had to remember what he looked like! Yup, check, he looks like what I remembered from way back when… oh wait, those were from way back when. Well you get the picture, right? 🙂

The day before “the big day” he was able to take a vacation day and come home a little earlier than normal. He got in around 7pm. We talked and texted the whole way (I sure hope he wasn’t texting while driving!!!). I didn’t realize he was going to be in so early so I went over to the J’s house to hang out and help Josh bake a cake. We were texting all through this. He was sending me pictures of shirts he had and pictures of him in a cowboy hat and all kinds of pictures. I think I sent him pictures of the cake I baked.

So the day came, July 25th. I woke up that morning and did the normal morning ritual of going to town with my mom. I’m not really sure we set out on a mission that day but we headed that direction non-the-less. While in town, of course I was watching the time. I had to get home, get my hair fixed, make-up on, and dressed before 4pm. That’s when we had to leave to go to dinner. I volunteered to drive because he left his convertible top down all night and wouldn’t you know, it rained.

While in town I looked at my mom and said, “We should go visit Dotti.” Dotti is the Elizabeth Arden make-up rep at Macy’s. She always loves giving me a make-over and I figured, hmmm… maybe we’d be lucky and she wouldn’t be busy. Dotti hooked me up! I had beautiful make-up! Then we ran home and my mom decided to fix my hair for me. I then got dressed and I was ready to go.


One Year Ago… Part IX

The next few weeks were very similar to each other… talking on the phone, texting, talking through gtalk… You know, the getting to re-know you.

The group of friends that I made started what we referred to as Dinner club. We’d get together once a month, go to different restaurants, usually ones that weren’t chains and we’d (get this..haha) go to dinner. Some dinners were dress up, guys in suits, girls in cocktail dresses, some were more casual, but we were more about just getting together and trying new restaurants around the area. So the e-mail came out for the July invite for dinner club at a restaurant called Touche and I wanted to go, but I didn’t want to go by myself so I was torn about if I wanted to accept or not.

While on the phone talking one night, he made the comment he was coming back home for a visit. Of course that sparked some excitedness (I think I made up that word) on my part! Maybe we could get together and catch up. As the time got closer he let me know the week he was coming. (I bet you saw this coming…) It just so happened to be the weekend of Dinner Club. So I made the comment to my friend Kalem at work one day and he told me I should invite him. hmmm… me having to make the first move… I wasn’t so sure I could do that. So some other co-workers they all agreed I should invite him as well. After a couple days of pondering this, I decided I wanted to ask him. The worst that could happen was he’d say no. The bad part though was this was one of the dinners that the guys wore khaki’s and the girls nicer sun-dresses. In talking to him, his clothing wardrobe consisted of jeans and John Deere t-shirts, that means probably no khaki’s. So now I was going to be making him buy some dress pants so he could go with me. So yes, I talked myself out of this. I was back and forth so much that I was annoying not only myself but everyone around me.